Yeah, sure I will. For sure. Really.
Well, nice to meet you again. ISIS being an asshole, Portugal won the Euros, Britain left the EU and I got a futsal injury. The world got pretty busy in this past two months or so.
Yeap, I'm back and writing again. As you may have read in my previous post, I have ended college and actually proceeded to the working world, if only just for a little while to supplement my eventual venture into university life. Work has been hectic and immensely frustrating but no one said it was going to be easy.
My work does leave me with free time on weekends so I do have at least a couple of days of free time. I have been burning inside to write something substantial since I have ended college but has been put off simply by laziness and my PS4 time. But, I'm back. At least for now.
As you can clearly see from the right side of these posts, I have written a fair few of blog entries since a year ago. I would like to think that I have pretty decent English to have managed to have written them without any real complaints but actually some praise for my mastery of the language. Happily surprised by that.
With the presumed assumption of my esteemed brilliance in English, people has asked me to check for grammar mistakes a few times in their personal statement. Some has even ask me to help write the personal statements for them which surprised little old average Joe me.
Personal statements are akin to a fun fair ticket you buy in any old run-down and colourful fun fair. It gives you a way into the fun fair but you still need to show great skill and technique to win a prize from that clearly rigged and impossible 'knock down the tins with a ball' game. As you can see, I am far from a master in winning fun fair prizes. I don't suck in them, I just choose to not fall into that Ponzi scheme-esque game's little unfair tricks. Honest.
So yeah, it is something you send to the university for them to read and determine if you are worthy of being considered as one of the candidates to be cherry-picked later in an interview full of upcoming upstarts with more certificates and qualifications than you have years lived on Earth. So basically, a statement that gives you more maybes on your already unsure future.
But as they say, first impression is very important. And what better way to impress a potential top 10 university than showing off your mad English skills that would put even the GOAT, Shakespeare in shame. One answer. Nothing. And who says beauty is important. Intelligence is sexier, actually tangible (sort of ) and transcends even the gorgeous looks of Anne Hathaway by a mile. I still adore you, Anne. Please reply my fan mail.
So, to really get those university representatives really turned on, all the stops must be pulled to truly polish your English skills like a shiny 30 karat allotrope of a carbon. And for those who are not well-versed in the field of chemistry, I was talking about a goddamn diamond. Yes, I'm educating you people on chemistry. Your welcome.
I've personally never written a personal statement yet but have read a couple of them before. And I can truthfully say that personal statements have its own little format that all of us naive and eager soon to be uni students adhere to.
Which is. Beginning with an inspirational story on why you wanted to be a ' add job here ' and then spend the next 3 quarters of the statement selling yourself to the university on how you can be the face that runs the goddamn place. Although 99 % of the time, you probably won't even get as far as the second semester. Ass-kissing may occur a couple of times in the statement with the hope of scoring some all-important brownie points with the head of department. That is pretty much all that is to it. Could add some sad family story to really drum a guilty feeling into the eventual reader which may or nay not work. Get some inspirational quote from some popular dead person to put at the beginning to show how awesome you are. That will wow their socks off.
And I'll be brutally honest here, as hipster as I try to be, my very own personal statement will pretty much be along the lines of these cliche like format. If you haven't knew already, I also go beyond the call of duty in trying to stay away from the usual bullshit norm that the mainstream media constantly feeds to the naive public. Sadly, this bullshit norm is taken as gospel by every single reputable university out there. There is no escape.
But it's all fun to imagine the possibilities in fucking around and sending a half arsed, no bullshit personal statement without a single regard of having his/her future being forever tainted.
Here is my imagining of a personal statement which can also be classified as my very own personal suicide letter if looked at in certain perspectives to the poor unsuspecting universities whom will not reply any of my letters anymore.
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Dear my 1st/2nd/3rd/4th/5th choice university,
'People do not deserve good writing, they are so pleased with the bad.'
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
I would like to first introduce myself. I am Melvin Lee and as you can easily figure out, this is a fucking letter to you university , begging you to take me in to your welcoming hands and past the doors of your university as a student.
I would like to take an engineering degree in your university as I heard that it pays a lot in this world concentrated on the emerging global phenomenon, electrical technology. I never grew up thinking I'll be an engineer but hey, I have the qualifications so let me in.
I really don't have a sad or inspiring story for you on why I want to take a degree in your university. did not grow up thinking I want to build skyscrapers for all those tiny ant-like materialistic humans to look at for 10 seconds before being completely forgotten. I wanted to be a football player. That didn't quite work out, eh. To be really blunt, the subjects I have taken for A-Levels leave me with little choice but an engineering degree anyway. I don't completely suck in Physics and Maths. And I kind of enjoy Physics , sort of. So I guess engineering, huh? I heard engineering make some serious money too. So count me in.
Why should you pick me? Well, why not? I'm a student. I'm writing this absurdly long personal statement to you which perfectly defines me as a hardworking and persistent son of a bitch in achieving my goals.
I have no certificates of any star quality but what I do have in place of the many certificates that all those wanna be engineers - is a lot of heart. I have a certificate from all the way back 2 years ago on Famine 30. I went without food for 30 hours. What more do you need? I am a fucking survivor.
What are my achievements/strengths? I've brought Carlisle United from League 2 to winning the Champions League in 5 seasons ( the shortest time possible ) in FIFA 17. I have over 200 followers on Instagram and 379 on Twitter. I write a blog which has 1800 views. I took Further Mathematics and completed that son of a bitch of a subject despite near half the class quitting the subject only 6 months in. I have a 50% win percentage in Dota 2. I scored a hatrick once in a futsal match. Ermm...running out of things here. I've read the whole Artemis Fowl and Harry Potter series. Binge watched the whole Star Wars franchise. Even the prequels. THE PREQUELS OH YEAH. FOSTER THE PEOPLE followed me on Twitter. Just give me the damn scholarship already.
To conclude, please accept me into your university. Please. Please. Please. Please. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Unless you reject me. Then, fuck you. Never like your university anyway. Really.
Notice me please senpai.
Your desperate hopefully future student,
-enter name here-
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Well, that's pretty much it. Guys, follow this template and never enter a university ever again. If you do enter a university, that university has to be the coolest university ever. Or the least demanding one. Which pretty much means it's a shit university. Hmm. I see a problem here.
Anyways , I have ran out of words to really say. Enjoy your day/night and I'll see you next time. Thanks for reading this. I truly appreciate it.
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