Cotton candy clouds at the end of the road.
Well, the year 2016 is actually ending. I'm going to sound like a broken record but emphasis is extremely important. Where has the time gone? Time just flew and took off like a Concorde plane in full speed breaking the sound barrier and all that. It has been a year of mixed feelings for me. I would like to say it has been a more positive than negative year so there's that. Nevertheless, this year has raised some rather uncomfortable questions within myself. A lot more than previous years. My mind feels more troubled compared to the start of the year. It's frustrating. Yet, it's also intriguing.
A quick trawl into the cobwebs of social media will state that 2016 has been nothing but a nightmare. Deaths of famous people coupled with disasters and an unfavorable appointment as the new POTUS has muddied the waters of 2016. Add Brexit and a horrible Euro 2016 to the naughty list of 2016 and you may be forgiven that the world was ending. Oh yeah, Malaysia choked 3 gold medal matches in the Olympics and lost all of them. Disastrous.
Frankly speaking, most of these negatives do not affect me whatsoever. Sure, I liked George Michael and Bowie but their deaths would not affect my everyday life. As I said, 2016 was actually pretty decent-ish. In a hypothetical rating scale, it would hover around the 6-7 mark out of 10. I would say that isn't too bad.
A question seem to be on my mind as I slowly type this post down. Why am I writing this in the first place? The queries are justified. No one really wants to read my full year flashback so it is not for the sake of attracting readers which themselves are an endangered quantity.
This shall be a letter or a reminder to my older self. Hi there. Please tell me life is better now.
Instead of the usual chronological order of reviewing my mostly mundane life, I will tell it in a way which is inspired by the legendary anime Cowboy Bebop. Specifically from the episode, Toys In The Attic. Recounting the year through lessons learnt throughout the year. After all, it is pretty important to one's man life. The never-ending learning process.
Let's begin, shall we?
LESSON #1 : Enjoy the college life. Or all life for that matter.
Fooling around as always.
I ended my 1 and a half year stint at INTI this June in a bittersweet manner. Taking A-Levels, I didn't expect to get full As. The bar was set pretty low thanks to my previous mock exams. Thus, when it was released at last, I had mixed feelings as the results provided shock successes and failures.
I could have worked harder, that's for sure. Yet, I could have been much more lazier too. Something had to give. My thinning social life or my thinning grades. I wished I did work harder because I truly feel I could have did so much better. Alas, one can't change the hands of a clock. I'm no Dr.Strange.
It's been 6 months since I was officially a student of INTI and I have to say I do miss it. I miss the constant trips to 96 Restaurant. I miss meeting up constantly with friends in class. I miss the atmosphere of a studying crowd. I miss the pretty girls turning heads (including mine) when walking and giggling cutely in a hallway. I miss the stupid jokes I would endure from my friends. I miss the birthday celebrations for our fellow mates. I miss playing futsal with my classmates who clearly played for the simple reason of having fun. Hell, I even miss some of the teachers at times.
It was not all candy and sunshine of course. A feeling of being left out was emerging at the end of my time there. But I could reflect on the good times there. Remember people, cherish the time before it's gone.
LESSON #2: Change is okay, good even. Adapting is most important.
From student, I have now become the master.
Things will never stay the same as it is. Change will always be ever present as long as time passes. And with the time being one whole fucking year, the changes I have experienced have been eye-opening.
Changes to the people I've known for years and to the people I've known for mere months. People that used to be really close to me have become secluded and ice cold in the mere sight of me while people I've just met in the year has just been really interesting. People change and it isn't bad. I do hope I can reconnect with the ones I lost and strengthen the ones whom I just met.
After studying for a year and a half, I've decided to dabble in the working industry. And that was definitely a big change compared to the college life. I've met bosses, co-workers and customers with attitudes and personalities that have been lukewarm with some better than most. The studying grind quickly changed into the working grind. I managed to find myself in 3 jobs for a period of 6 months. One as a accounts trainee, the other as a sales assistant in a pharmacy and lastly being a teacher in a primary SJK school. You can't accuse me of not having variety. My first two jobs were miserable but the money was okay, I guess. The final job of being a teacher was a great experience. I found myself truly adapting to the students' work rate in order to produce the best possible teaching experience.
Changes in myself? I became more expressive and sensitive to my surroundings. Now, I would say it has been a pretty bad change but my aim to adapt it is still a work in progress.
LESSON #3: Life is truly a bitch.
Can't help but smile.
Keeping this short, lady luck has not always been smiling on me this year. I have been thrown multiple curve balls that I have failed to deal with and given golden opportunities that I have stupidly spurned. It seems like life has always been trying to one up me somehow by screwing with my head and my life at times. Especially when I already am feeling like shit. Kicking me when I'm already down. Sprinkling salt onto my multiple open wounds.
As they say when it rains, it pours.
The real lesson here is to accept that life will fuck you over and acceptance is key to moving on.
I truly believe that sooner or later, I will charm lady luck to my benefit. And then only, I shall feel truly great.
After all, I have a lot to give.
LESSON #4 : It's okay to be alone at times
Just me and my shoes.
"They say humans are social animals, they can't live alone. But you can live pretty well by yourself. I tell ya...instead of feeling alone in a group, It's better to have real solitude all by yourself."
- Faye Valentine (Cowboy Bebop)
I am truly living in a world that has witnessed a completely new era thrust upon them. I'm not sure if it has been said before but this era is the 'social era' . The era where everything from politics to billion dollar businesses have been forced to dabble into the welcoming long arms of social media in order to keep up with the times. It transcends borders, race, age, gender and pretty much all restrictions that are out there.
Naturally, I was not left out from its grasp too.
Social media has creating an ugly monster wearing a mask at times. A dependency to constantly check on the news feeds of either Twitter, Facebook or even Instagram has emerged in the shadows of social media. The urge to read and comment on the lives of others, and in doing so, feeling ever so slightly less alone in a room.
It's all a facade of course. We all know that. Yet, the smoke and mirrors it provides comforts us. I'll be the first to say that I am one of these people. I know I'm not the only one. It has thankfully not grown to the extent of me having social media as life support. But I understand the urge, as I have lived it.
Jealousy affected me this year. I know it isn't right but I'm man enough to admit it. In life, things like this happen. It is to be expected. But this just strike a nerve inside me. We all have these small demons. This happened to be mine.
It was during the end of my time at INTI. I have always been mostly in contact with my friends throughout my life. Either colleges or schools, I have always occupied myself with people I associate with as friends. Joking around and stuff like that. I never had more than two months without being in a educational institute. And then it ended and a nearly year-long hiatus started. Cue radio silence. Whatsapp groups turned into ghost towns nearly instantly.
It was just the little things. Being not invited to the many dinners, movie viewings and trips. When I was invited, they were rare. To see it all happen on their Snapchat posts and tweets were adding insult to injury. What unhinged me was that these were the people I spent one and a half years filling up my memory bank with. Feeling unappreciated, ignored and alone.
At last, it was a time to finally learn how it feels to be alone. As mentioned, I worked in a few jobs. Sadly, the first two jobs were not socially friendly. It was tough at first but then it really is alright to be alone. It was a really interesting experience. I noticed more about my surroundings than ever before. I could hear myself think at times and do things that wasn't possible before. I managed to watch some amazing TV series and continue my never-ending love for video games. I got to put much more time into one of my favourite hobbies, writing. Hell, I even met new people along the way.
Yes, I know my friends were still my friends. I love them but I just knew the facts. I wasn't a fit in their group. Their circle of influence. Maybe I didn't have the right characteristics. Or maybe it was the far distances between us. Maybe I just couldn't speak Chinese well enough. But then, I just had to find my own, like they did with theirs. My secondary school friends, of course. A much longer period of knowing each other helped. Really strengthened the bonds as most of them ended their college lives as well. In life, it is all about finding our niche.
It may just be me but I feel the grip of social media on us is really powerful. There is that peer pressure that we learn about in Pendidikan Moral when saying no to drugs and cigarettes. However, this is indirectly implemented by peer pressure to not be alone. The term of being alone has seemingly negative meaning from the public. A loser, someone who can't make friends and someone who people stay away from. Buckled with this weight, the fear of being seen alone arises. And when people post their activities with friends on platforms like Snapchat, it adds to the pressure. People won't admit this, of course. Instagram is a platform to possibly keep memories but Snapchat for the most part is not to do that. It is just a tool to inform people on how glamorous their fucking lives are. How cool of a time they are having. If you can excuse their Memories feature. You really do need to step back and think about it.
And yes, I'm probably reading a lot into this. But that's life. Humans have been constantly deciphering the human nature for decades and decades now. I have the time to do that. The alone time. It is intriguing. See, it ain't all bad.
LESSON #5 : Things are sometimes easier than you think it is. Overthinking kills.
Hope my mind can be as untroubled as water.
Time to lighten up a bit. 2016 after all was a pretty decent year. Forget about the trend following idiots who simply shit over 2016 because some celebrities they have never met before died. Yes, it's tragic but that shouldn't affect the year YOU had.
The tagline, '' Impossible is nothing.'' was released by Adidas when I was still a kid and I still remember seeing it when it just got released. It was amazing seeing stars like David Villa and Fernando Torres on billboards and advertisement hoards everywhere. At the time, I thought of it as a powerful quote that could really be my life motto. I wrote it down on a lot of essays that year.
I seem to really have a fear of failure instilled in me. The seeds of it were probably planted by my parents at a young age, them fitting into the Asian parents stereotype after all. Throughout the years, I have fought through many challenges which I secretly feared but eventually accomplished.
And the thought of it has always been more harder to overcome than the challenge itself. It doesn't matter if it was a major exam or learning how to cycle for the first time. The fear develops first and it challenges every part of your mind to not be overcome by it and start sobbing in the dark corner of the room.
This year has been no different. Skiing for the first time was scary at first. Browsing through the Internet and reading some bad injuries did not help my nerves at all. Yet, I couldn't pass on this rare opportunity that 5 year old me could only dream of. I steeled my nerves and eventually got through it harmlessly, and even enjoying the hell out of the experience.
Driving has also been a major aspect of my 2016 life. I feared driving far distances that I would try to carpool whenever possible. It was simply the fear of crashing my car and making that dreaded call to my father. I did not want to face the perils of the road where anything could happen, may happen. Cars may swerve into my path, I may lose control over the car or maybe a pedestrian could get hit due to my carelessness. It was a dangerous world out there. But yet, I absolutely adored driving. Thus, I faced it one step at a time. Every time I successfully drove to and fro, I gained confidence that would help me drive further the next time. It was fantastic really. Soon, the fear dissipated from my thoughts.
How can I forget about Further Mathematics, my longtime rival. The subject that I have often characterized as death itself. Now, I predicted I would fail in the subject. I mean, I opened my past year questions and they might as well been asking me on how to build an airplane from two planks of wood, nails and a broken hammer. Thankfully, I did put some effort in and it got gradually easier. My result at the end was better than expected so I was rewarded at last.
LESSON #6 : You only appreciate things when it is gone. So appreciate earlier.
Going to miss the little mamak sessions.
I guess the term is miss instead of appreciate but I think it holds more weight than the word miss. Hell, I think I have narrowed it down by saying things. In fact, time is something to be appreciated as well. We only have so much time in a year and throwing it down into a drain is a stupid decision, to say the least.
In life, we have two dates and a long hyphen in between them. That hyphen will stop for no man as it is continuously growing horizontally without fail. I have come to the part of the hyphen where I look behind, I only see traces of its tail , slowly fading into the shadows, seemingly not existing at all.
My college life. I sure do miss it. In some ways, I wish I had spent my free time better in college. I wish I grown some balls and made more friends beyond my comfortable bubble of MF15U . I mean, I did do so but it was just a drop in the ocean of potential best friend candidates and even girlfriend candidates in that college area. I should have studied much harder but knowing me, that wouldn't have changed much. I wish I had appreciated the little things in college, especially the supporting cast of many teachers, college staff and even hawkers of whom I cater to.
And to the friends I've lost to overseas universities and worst, loosening bonds of friendship. I will always appreciate the good times we had. The people I used to be close to and now simply an annoying typist on the other side of the phone. No, it's not okay to reply with a fucking emoji. I'm sorry no one taught you grammar. God. Fucking emojis. It was a great ride, eh. Shame it came to this.
For all the sad what could have been's, there are also the great moments of which I will remember to cherish. I am damn sure I will appreciate them. The wonderful futsal and basketball games I've played, the occasional short road trip with friends, the climbing of hills, the all so frequent but memorable mamak sessions with my friends, the all to sweet video game moments I've gained and of course the time spent with family. There are so much more to be thankful for in a year such like this. So yeah, I really do appreciate them.
Final words :
Well, that's it then. The lessons learnt throughout the year. Looking back, most of the time, we learn things without the thought of us actually learning them. This is because learning is a natural process. As humans, we constantly learn to adapt to the surroundings.
But in looking back, it sets up a platform in looking forward. 2017, to be specific.
It is going to be a big year for me. People say new year, new me. But, I'm going to a new country. And that terrifies the shit out of me. And excites me too.
2017. I shall remember the lessons learnt and brace for the teachings of the future. But the real lesson here is, never stop writing my feelings out.
Ever.
P.S Before leaving, I think this is a good time to put out a list of top 6s as an ode to the year that was, 2016. So here are my opinions on stuff. Enjoy.
Best Video Games Best Movies
1. Persona 4 Golden 1. Kimi No Na Wa
2. Gravity Rush Remastered 2. Prisoners
3. Fallout 4 3. Rogue One
4. Saints Row 4 4. Nice Guys
5. NBA 2K16 5. Sing Street
6. Overwatch 6. Deadpool
Best Books
1. The Investigation by Jung Myung Lee
2. Geekhood :Mission Improbable by Andy Robb
3. Bangkok 8 by John Burdett
4. Alex Rider :Russian Roulette by Anthony Horowitz
5. 5 Star Billionaire by Tash Aw
6. Salvation of a Saint by Keigo Higashino
Best TV Shows
1. Cowboy Bebop
2. Mr Robot
3. Stranger Things
4. Sherlock
5. Late Late Show w/ Craig Ferguson
6. Archer
Best Songs
1. Song For No One by Miike Snow
2. The Other Side of Paradise by Glass Animals
3. New Person, Same Old Mistakes by Tame Impala
4. Douse Shinundakara by Masako Toda
5. Speed Boy by Skies
6. Turn Your Love by Half Moon Run
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