Ignorance is bliss. Or so they say. Time and time again, the saying rings true in my head as I stop to wander about the time I've lost over the years. Problem is when you have a lot of free time, you tend to wander off into this shell of uneasiness over the waste of the valuable resource known as time.
So think less. And gain more. Seems simple but like many things in life, reality never quite matches the expectation.
Year 2017 was the year I finally reach 2 decades of living on this giant rock, which really represents a huge crossroad for most people's lives.
Have I done well by myself? Should I have did this? Or that? It's troubling, but yet it gives birth to a multitude of intriguing thoughts as well. As you see, a delve into the past is one thing, but there is also a question about the future which one must tackle.
It's been a rather predictable life I've lived in. An asphalt road that I've been set on since I proved a tiny bit of excellence as a child, is a road which I have obediently followed through with only the minor of detours and roadblocks on the way. To say I am not entirely satisfied would be a lie, but to say I have no regrets would also be a lie.
It's tough growing up in an Asian family where grades are the indicator of one's success in life. The undeniable truth that I have sadly accepted is I'm pretty much stuck here on this god-forsaken road whether I like it or not.
I just wanna look as gloriously cool and suave as this when going through life.
This all started from primary school. Year 1 of an actual public education. I absolutely smashed Year 1 final year exams. I think I achieved like a 99.6% average score which of course means nothing now but this meant a lot to my parents. I gave them basically a potential smart child who could one day be a successful person in the future. Obviously primary school is no indicator of one's ability, but I guess the bar was already set undeniably high at that point. Anyway, I smashed through the rest of primary school exams easily which is nothing much to note of course.
Secondary school was the first true test of one's ability. I'm pretty sure at that time in my life, I started to slack off a lot. It's not the fact that I was underestimating the severity of the exams that lie in front of me, but honestly I was just undeniably bored. Nearly all the subjects throughout my school life were just drab and required rote learning which is one way to kill a child's enthusiasm. I was fully satisfied to just keep one eye on studies and the other on football and video games.
My usual As turn into a mixture of As, a couple of Bs and even a few Cs. Of course, this were mock exams which served next to no purpose but lengthen the already punishing school year. The already huge expectations were slightly falling to my relief, just not at a rate I would like. The countless hours of additional tuition were a pain in the ass but eventually, I guessed it worked out as I managed to score straight As for the final major high school exams. Sure I was happy, but this only begged the question, how long would it be before I truly fall from grace?
And of course the answer didn't take long at all to come as the next stage of my education came swiftly like a huge gust of wind before the grumbling storm. College. The one step one must take before entering university. Like most people who excelled in past exams, the only reasonable course to take was a science-ish course. Malaysia has developed in a way where failing kids go to take art/business degrees while the cream of the crop usually go for the science related ones.
And yes, it's wrong. Of course it is. Segregation of jobs only breeds incompetency and inefficiency as sometimes passion can be a sharper sword than ability.
My passion for science was there, without a doubt. But it was an undeniable urge from my heart that screamed with a flaming passion to write. Yet, when ideals and reality clash, rarely do the latter lose out. So, I went for a science degree.
Don't get me wrong, I would have loved to done a degree on writing. But, reality which had grounded me so many times before won out. I was honestly an average writer at best. I probably am at the same level right now. Being a part-time trainee journalist shook my once confident self to the core. I need to give myself a better chance in life. So, writing was left aside to simply occupy a small little blogging website.
Clip art I used in one of group projects. Seems apt.
A-Levels was what I chosen for myself. It was one with an aim to one day go to a university in Australia. This end goal of sorts was one that had been culminating in my parents' minds for a good while now. The country that had been one of the biggest hotbeds for migration of many Malaysians had not been overlooked by my parents. The promise of a higher standard of living, prestigious universities and a relatively peaceful country had tempted thousands of Malaysians before me to move there so the thought of me going there was only a matter of time really.
In a nutshell, A-Levels was where I really grew to hate exams. A course where you were graded solely on exams were not foreign to me of course, as the years before me were the same. Yet, the older I get, the more lazier one can become. The rise of social media, video games and just everyday distractions were in lack of a better word, the devils that I had to face in achieving good grades which I've now been programmed in my brain to really desire.
But, when it was so fun to be bad, then I really couldn't help myself.
I worked as hard as I could but in a fit of desperation, I harbored thoughts of quitting from my course. To a mass communication diploma, no less. This was a significant turning point, as I've finally decided to leave this cold asphalt road behind. It was a sign of defeat, or maybe even a white flag of surrender.
And I chickened out. I chose this path myself so I shall see it out. That was my thoughts at the time. Looking back, I would say it was probably for the better. A detour would create more problems than solving it.
At the end, I did alright in my exams I guess. 2As , 1B and 1C . It was hardly a sparkling result compared to the many geniuses I grew to knew as compatriots in battle but I guess, it dimly shone on its own merit. I could have did better, of course but this was a clear sign that maybe a science degree wasn't going to be as smooth of a road as most people have described before.
Decision time. I had the results to easily enter university in Australia. And I did so. For an engineering degree. All according to plan. Along the asphalt road. How predictable. How undeniably fucking boring of me.
Poor me, complaining about entering Melbourne University. Sarcasm aside, what really were the alternatives? My once burning passion for writing was still burning, but dampened by the harsh cold water known as potential joblessness. The problem with taking a course beforehand that there is this dumb yet somewhat logical idea that one should continue a similar road as with these equipped skills, a higher level of education with the same basis should be no trouble at all. Why throw these skills down the drain?
Sigh, not the best argument for sure.
So I entered university. And just what the actually hell have I got myself into?
I have a minor point I want to make here. No one wants to hear someone rant, especially when they don't even know that person. Sadly this post has slowly dissolved into another rant like the many other blog posts I have posted recently. Oh well, it's not like people I know am going to read this anyway.
To be care-free would be a dream.
Fucking distractions. Here, there and everywhere within a mile radius around me in Melbourne. It seems like everyone I see on the street is a combination of a beautiful looking girl grabbing a equally handsome guy on his arm looking all lovey-dovey while yours truly am sweating buckets in the cruel Melbourne summer weather struggling to carry more plastic bags of groceries than the two arms I have. Am I jealous? Don't be ridiculous, of course I am.
Naive it may seem but I envisioned myself having a rosy colored campus life where I hang out with my group of multi-cultural friends to go road trips on and have a cool girlfriend by now whom I can create wonderful memories with. Well, it was naive wasn't it?
I do have my set of friends and I love them too, but in a way they have not really met my high expectations upon landing in Melbourne. I hang out with them from time to time but I guess it's a bit disheartening that it's the holidays now and I've spent probably 80% of it alone.
And in any other city, I'll probably be alright with it. But this city has this really mystifying aura about it where I feel I'm being peer-pressured to try to do things with my friends just for the sake of it. Actually, it could be the fact I'm in university. University students these days have all these fun holiday plans where I can only dream of and watch from the confines of my home on my Snapchat app. While all I have to post is random street stuff.
At the end of the day, it is pathetic but I guess there really isn't much I can do. Most of the time, I do enjoy the status quo of my situation which is something I've readily accepted.
Back to the topic, holy shit, I've absolutely had a nightmare of a time in university. The leap of difficulty from high school to university is huge and as a criminally naive child, I underestimated it tremendously. I find myself relying on my smarter peers during certain assignments which just felt wrong to me at times. I felt like I was a leech sucking the blood off my friends without anything to give in return. The feeling of helplessness was horrible. Yet, I could not do anything about it. Most of the time, they are kind souls who wouldn't mind but it did not stop the guilt from gnawing my weakening resolve.
And group projects. Jesus. It seems to me that most of the members I got grouped with was just uninterested in trying to do well in projects. Keyword here is most, since there were probably like a few people who were honestly either so much more capable than me or just really committed to seeing the project through. Semester 1 saw me carried my engineering group to a really good result in the project. It gave me an experience on how really poor members can bring a team down which in my fits of anger at times, made me realized how tough it is to be on the capable side for once. Which in turn, made me feel shit for all the times I begged my friends to help me out in certain assignments.
Perfectly describing yours truly during the one month of absolute hell before exams.
EXAMS.
A whole new experience indeed. This was very much evident in Semester 2. The semester where I felt immensely overwhelmed and clearly was unprepared for. It was the semester that for countless times, saw me screamed and groaned in utter frustration during my early morning shower as I struggle to decipher the absolute jumbled mess that was conspiring in front of my eyes. When SWOTVAC approached, I put in so much effort regardless the sinking feeling that it were all for vain at the end. Eye bags were forming below my eyes as my sleeping pattern went to hell as now a 5 hour sleeping period was considered a good night. Many nights of slowly walking through the cold path to the library for studying till 3 a.m became a routine to me, regardless if I was productive or not. I was just to sate this growing uneasiness of not doing enough. It was hell and frankly I'm glad it's over.
Maybe around 4 years ago, finishing the exam paper would be something of an afterthought. Yet, in university, finishing an exam paper can pretty much qualify as a job well done. Sadly, the job I did this semester was amateurly well done at best. Sigh.
Flashback over.
Which brings us back to me now nervously typing all the pent up feelings on my blog no on reads as I slowly wait for judgement to befall me in the shape of my exam results.
At last, everything comes full circle as the great fall may not have ended but it has certainly started making headway now. With that, I bid you adieu.
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